Originally scheduled for release on 04/01/2026
Were you one of the terrified on that fateful day in October? The Day of the Dolphie, some students are calling it.
Recently discovered photos, obtained at great risk by Ebbtide NEWSTIGATORs, show clearly the once-beloved community college mascot, known for pithy catch phrases and puns, engaged in a litany of destruction and terror concentrated on the western side of campus. Witnesses state that the event happened early on a cloudy morning, late fall quarter in 2024.
But evidence of the events was scarce, due to an email outage.
The results of a years-long Ebbtide news-tigation can now be revealed, including Safety & Security officials successful efforts to halt the rampage using a vehicle-mounted tranquilizer dart cannon. The weapon was originally developed for submarine use at Naval Station Everett during the Pacific Kraken attacks of the early 2010s,
SC president Jack “Khan!” Kahn vowed to rebuild the campus after a string of Kaiju Massacres. The series of giant anthropomorphized school mascot attacks, culminated in 2020 with the Highland Terrace Elementary Orca mascot attack that led to the flattening of multiple campus structures and the subsequent construction of the Cedar Building where science, medicine and engineering classes are now held.
The administration had for years pushed the phony narrative that the school was “financially strapped” due to phony ransomware incidents and so-called budget cuts. “We’ve been warning about the impact of extreme climate change for decades,” said oceanography professor Seigfried Mandala. “School mascot Kaiju-ification is just one of the ways environmental disasters will become more commonplace in the future due to carbon pollution.”
Ebbtide news-tigators uncovered documents that warn of future runaway mascot kaiju-ification and caution student clubs and gatherings to keep a wary eye on figurines and costumed characters.
“We really don’t have money in the budget for another kaiju attack this year,” warned Kahn when confronted with this new evidence by Safety & Security officials. “We’re completely tapped out. I mean it this time.”
The Ebbtide contacted MONARCH for comment, but did not receive a reply by publication deadline.
