Pick a Side

Ed Strong


Time for the big game. The New England Patriots play the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII this Sunday, but wait — do you even know who you’re rooting for?

Maybe you haven’t watched football in at least a year, but now you’ve been roped into a watch party by your friends and have no clue what to do to pass the time while your friend yells at the TV. Or maybe you love football, but you hate both teams equally and can’t stomach rooting for either one of them.

Presenting a non-football guide to the Super Bowl:

What’s your winning formula?

A)   A crotchety grandpa coach, a rotating cast of undersized receivers who nobody really knows and a tabloid-generating quarterback who just turned 29 for the 13th year in a row.

B)   A coach closer to being in college than normal coaching age, the best young backfield in the league, and a supposedly human defensive lineman who looks more like the Hulk.

During the offseason, what do you do with your free time?

A)   Offseason? There’s no such thing. Once football ends, I just move on to basketball and hockey.

B)   Just chill, man. There’s so much other stuff to do besides sports.

What should a uniform look like?

A)   A classic look, with real historical ties.

B)   Something groovy straight out of the ‘70s.

What is the proper way to trash talk your opponent?

A)   A snide comment as you walk away, just barely loud enough to be heard.

B)   Yelling as loud as possible right in the other person’s face.

People who aren’t my friends ______ me.

A)   Despise

B)   Ignore

When are you getting to the watch party?

A)   I’ve already been here for days.

B)   Fashionably late, of course.


If you answered mostly A’s, it’s time to root on New England. Put on your patriotic red, white, and blue and cheer for the Patriots to add another title to their dynasty.

If you answered mostly B’s, you should cheer on the Rams. Embrace your inner bighorn sheep and pull for the navy and gold to complete their transition to a powerhouse.