(SATIRE) Clinton Wins, Life is Hill : Who’s the Puppet Now?

By Ilona Kinnear

Hillary Clinton has officially won the election and already millions of emails are disappearing from government databases across the U.S.. They continue to be exposed by Russian hackers to Wikileaks for the world to see.

Clinton has also started redecorating the White House with ads and logos of all her sponsors. Soon it will be less of a “white” house and more of a stock car in house form. This has resulted in protests by traditionalists.

It has also been mandated that men make 18 cents for every dollar women make doing equal amounts of work to make up for all the time women spent earning less than men.

A new law is also being passed nationwide making abortions mandatory. Even if the baby is at nine months, they will still need to be “ripped out of the womb.”

Heterosexuality is also being outlawed. There will only be homosexual relationships in the U.S.. Straight individuals will be dosed with an experimental drug to cure them of their heterosexuality.

Though Bill Clinton, as first gentleman, will be exempt from this, as well as his staff of hundreds of women who will be scorned by President Clinton.

Clinton is now accepting all Syrian refugees and making it mandatory forall American households to host a family of four or more based on house size.

Native Americans will also be given back the entirety of the land that was taken from them, thus making the whole of the United States a reservation.

Furthermore, all drugs are being legalized, not just marijuana. Every citizen will be required to take heroin or cocaine daily.

All criminals are being released from jail creating an insurgence of violence and crime. This has caused the president to consider a “Purge”-like solution.

The second amendment is also outlawed and the president is sending out a militia to take and destroy all guns. Those who oppose the militia have mysteriously disappeared.

Clinton is also taking over all businesses and corporations and assimilating them into the government, officially creating a socialist empire and increasing taxes a hundred-fold to fund welfare programs for poor people who are no longer required to even try looking for work.

And to top it all of, t has been revealed that Clinton is a witch, practicing dark magic with her screeches, planning to engulf the world in eternal darkness and let her demon spawn devour the souls of those she reigns over. This becomes more evident when her “time of the month” rolls around.

It has been discovered that she switches between her witch persona — that’s witch with a capital B — and her phony smile facade which creates her multi-personality disorder as well as compulsive lying disorder that will lead to the destabilization of American bases across the middle east.