By Ilona Kinnear
Some people refer to Feb. 14 as Valentine’s Day, while others like to call it Singles Awareness Day. But people’s reactions to the coming of this fateful day range quite dramatically. Here’s a short quiz to see where you rank:
1. It is Feb. 14 and you see a painting of a romantic couple. Your reaction is:
a. You think about your lover and look forward to your Valentine’s Day romance.
b. You fantasize about having a lover of your own one day.
c. Meh. Nice painting, I guess.
d. You reflect on your own singleness and fall into despair knowing you will always be alone.
e. You make a plan to buy a boatload of spray paint to vandalize this and every other painting of a happy couple because how dare there be a public display of affection while you get none!!!!!
2. You see a person buying flowers from a shop, possibly for their lover, you:
a. Buy flowers after them because you almost forgot to get some for your date.
b. Buy yourself flowers and write a note to yourself from a fictional character to further your romantic delusions.
c. Walk on by.
d. You hurry to the bathroom because you can’t keep the tears from falling.
e. You make a mental note to send goats to all flower shops to run them all out of business because there should not be a shop dedicated to the celebration of love while you rage in your singleness!!!!!!!
3. You walk by a chocolate shop and see a person walking out with a giant heart shaped box of chocolates, you:
a. Hope that your lover bought you an even bigger box of chocolates for you because you just went out of your way to buy them a bouquet of flowers.
b. Buy yourself chocolates and mail them to yourself and pay extra for same day delivery and write another note from your fictional lover, making up some sad story about why they couldn’t give them to you in person.
c. Count down the hours until you can come back for discounted chocolate.
d. Continue sobbing uncontrollably as people pass you by with awkward looks, some actually showing signs of pity, but not saying a single word.
e. Plan to rob a bank to get the money to buy every ounce of chocolate off the face of the earth so no one else can experience the joy of receiving chocolate from someone they love while you starve!!!!!
4. You arrive at a fancy restaurant where you see a couple walking in, you:
a. Exchange gifts with your partner and walk in together because you made reservations to this romantic dining establishment as well.
b. Attempt to go in with a body pillow but are escorted out because you forgot to make a reservation, and it’s couples only.
c. Walk on by, wondering again why you chose this specific and long route home.
d. Pass out in front of the restaurant from dehydration after crying every ounce of water out of your eyes.
e. Make a plan to send your undead army after this building first after you sell your soul to Lucifer himself when you get home because there shall be no time for love when everyone is busy running from your army of flesh-eating zombies!!!!!!
5. The sun is setting and you see a couple with their arms around each other on a park bench overlooking the fantastic scenery, you:
a. Find a bench nearby and have a huge makeout session with your partner to end a perfect day.
b. Get bumped off a bench nearby by some rude couple who needs the spot for themselves because you’re not with a real person.
c. Wonder why you spent this entire day stalking a random couple.
d. Wake up from inside an ambulance only to start crying again while EMTs frantically try to get you to stop and drink some water.
e. Bargain with Lucifer to give you an undead army and become a master of the dark arts in exchange for your soul because then you can MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD FALL TO THEIR KNEES JUST BY WILLING IT, RAVAGING THE EARTH UNTIL LOVE IS FOREVER EXTINCT!!!!!
And here are your results:
If you answered mostly As, you belong to the Happy Couple group.
You are in a relationship and are overjoyed that this wonderful day celebrating your togetherness. You could care less about others less fortunate than you and even spend your free time making fun of all the pitiful souls that have not had the fortune of finding happiness like you have. You know, I bet you also hate puppies and kittens too, because pets are only for lonely people.
If you answered mostly Bs, you belong to the Hopeless Romantic group.
Even though you are single, you watch Asian dramas and/or rom-coms and cry your eyes out thinking that one day your lover will appear and whisk you out of your patheticness. When will people like you learn that there isn’t always a happy ending? Romantic fantasies only damage relationships and introduce a level of expectations that reality can never offer you, that is, if you will ever get in one.
If you answered mostly Cs, you belong to the IDGAF and IJLC (I Just Love Candy) group.
You don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s Day or having a partner. Candy is all you can think about. Well, you’ll get all the sweets you can afford, but why wait? Why not rip the chocolate out of the hands of every Valentine’s Day exchange? That way it would be free.
If you answered mostly Ds, you belong to the Lonely and Depressed group.
You wallow in your loneliness and realize that happiness will never be yours. You have given up the idealized romantic fantasies and any hope whatsoever in finding happiness. You keep your sorrow to yourself and let all the happy couples have their fun. You should do better for yourself. You should turn that sorrow into anger and join those who have already embraced the dark side!
If you answered mostly Es…, and all the happy couple saps have stopped reading. WELCOME fellow despisers of love!
Let us plan the destruction of all happy couples around the world! We will all train in the dark arts to become the most powerful anti-love force the world has ever known! We will recruit all the Ds and rally against all social standards for finding love and getting married. We will use our newfound abilities to erase all of the emotions that hold us back from embracing the darkness that is the void. Who needs love when all it brings is eternal pain and sorrow from countless rejections, failed relationships and cold, endless nights of loneliness filled with tears that fail to be wiped away or the soft warmth of someone to chase the cold away. Ahah hah ah…ahem.. Cough cough… Does anyone have a tissue?