(SATIRE) Trump Wins, Terror Reigns : The End Donalds On Us All.

By Ilona Kinnear

Reporting from hell, frozen over: Donald Trump has won the election. It is officially the end of the world.

It has been reported that liberals across the nation are now packing their bags and moving to Canada, but this is causing Canada to panic and close its borders as well.

Trump has unveiled plans to build the “Make America Great Again Wall” which is going to be “way better than China’s.” It will cost an estimated 100 billion dollars that Mexico still refuses to pay for, and yet Trump is still going through with it.

Trump has also cancelled all immigration, except for “super hot” Slovenian and Czech women under the condition that they immediately marry him.

He has also started rebranding all government services. This includes Trump Construction, Trump Water and Electric, Trump Sewage, Trump Postal Service, and the Trump Army.

This includes getting rid of Obamacare and replacing it with Trumpcare, where we have to take care of Trump and supply him with our kidneys whenever he feels sick.

Media has been completely taken over by Trump to eliminate any opportunities to lie about him. All television has been replaced by Trump TV and Trump News Network. Radio stations have been replaced by Trump Radio, and all song artists are required to sign a contract agreeing to only create music that praises Trump.

On the bright side of things, he has called to eliminate all taxes. On the downside, economists predict a collapse of everything.

Everyone is now required to carry an automatic weapon with them at all times for “safety” purposes. This includes teachers and students.

All companies will now be receiving “small loans” of billions of dollars from the government, though without tax revenue, no one knows how that will happen.

There are a few new and very interesting laws being passed as well. It is now legal to date your own daughter, or son, and as long as you are famous, you can grab any woman wherever you want.

Trump also passed a “no pigs” law. All women must be size one or less, with a big bust and butt, or else they will be deported. However, this law doesn’t apply to men.

Trump has also succeeded in pulling the U.S. out of the UN and has blocked all trade with other countries. This has caused other countries, including China, to demand repayment for all the debt the U.S. has incurred from them. As a result, all private property now belongs to the Chinese government.

Trump has also called for a mass deportation of everyone with even a fraction of “non-American” genes. The Trump Army has been called in to round literally everyone into camps. No one knows where they will be deported to, as all other countries in the world has issued statements refusing to take anyone from a country stupid enough to elect Donald Trump.

Continued on page 666 ->

Leave a Reply