Alternative Facts are Great for the News!

You know what, all of you haters out there, Donald Trump did win the presidency by the largest margin in history and also had the largest inauguration crowds too!

I don’t want our beloved Ebbtide to be cast aside as “fake news” so I would like to fix it by adopting the new and amazing “alternative facts” trend that has begun.

I would first like to address the horrors that have faced this world, such as the Bowling Green Massacre and now Sweden. Those damn atrocities must be stopped by the almighty hand of Trump. May his executive orders rain justice on the perpetrators.

Next up, can I say what a wonderful idea a wall is. Why haven’t we thought of something like that before? Once we are done with the one for Mexico, let’s make one to keep those Canadians out as well.

And while we’re at it, we should wall up our coastlines as well. Those Oceanians cannot be trusted. That is such a fantastic financial decision as well.

We’ll all be rolling in the dough when these walls are built up and all these countries are sending us tons of money via missiles because we can’t let any of those filthy rats come into our walled up country!

We would also have many jobs open up to defend the walls to be even surerer that no one would ever leave… I mean, get in.

Moving on, we should also privatize ownership to the walls as well; having companies manage the security of the borders would be an even better economic strategy. They might even want to build the walls even higher, and add barbed wire and towers to overlook the prison… I mean, protect us from outsiders.

Trump should also get rid of the minimum wage and outlaw unions to incentivize companies to stop outsourcing labor. Maybe even use the same companies that manage the border walls. We would all have jobs like how they have prisoners work tasks in prisons for pennies a day… Okay, bad analogy, just forget that.

Anyway, no matter what, Trump will be remembered as the greatest president in history!

… (Okay, am I done? Am I safe? Please let my family goooooooooo!!!)

-Ilona Kinnear

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