By Emily Boyer
The air is laden with something sweet in early February. Could it be love? Hope? A hint of the coming spring?
Nope, it’s the smell of half-price chocolate. Happy Cheap Candy Day, everyone!
For the uninitiated, Cheap Candy Day is Feb. 15, the day stores are desperately trying to get rid of their overstocked candy to make room for Saint Patrick’s Day merchandise. It’s a day full of magic and wonder and, most importantly, sugar. Cheap Candy Day is easily the best holiday in the first half of the year, and it’s a pretty good contender for best all-around.
Oh… and there’s Valentine’s Day, too, I guess. I mean, it’s not like I don’t appreciate it. Without it, Cheap Candy Day would never have been. And sometimes you get candy on Valentine’s Day, too, which is nice. But it’s a pretty lackluster holiday in comparison to its sister celebration.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, “But, Emily! Valentine’s Day celebrates love, the force that makes the world go ‘round! Don’t you think that’s more important than a day that’s just about candy?”
Fair enough. But to you I say this: Have you ever tasted candy?
No, seriously, Cheap Candy Day is better than Valentine’s Day by every metric. Let me prove it to you.
Valentine’s Day is mostly just for people who are dating or married. Anyone can celebrate Cheap Candy Day.
If you’re in a relationship, you’re almost obligated to celebrate Valentine’s Day whether you want to or not. Nobody is ever going to make you celebrate Cheap Candy Day.
Valentine’s Day is expensive. You may be expected to buy overpriced candy, a romantic dinner and/or gifts. But Cheap Candy Day is, well, cheap.
When you buy candy on Valentine’s Day, it’s usually for someone else. You have to watch them eat candy you bought with your money. You don’t have to share anything you buy on Cheap Candy Day unless you damn well feel like it.
On Valentine’s Day, your significant other might drag you to a fancy restaurant when you don’t even want to leave the house. On Cheap Candy Day, you need only make a single trip to the nearest grocery store to celebrate properly.
I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
I’m tired of Cheap Candy Day being outshined by lesser holidays. Even in this very paper, Valentine’s Day gets a luxurious full-color two-page spread, while Cheap Candy Day is relegated to a tiny opinion piece.
But I don’t intend to suffer this state of affairs forever. By this time next year, I will have taken over the Ebbtide. And then Cheap Candy Day will reign supreme.
¡Viva la revolución!